A coroner has called on Ravengate’s frog community to wise up after yet another of their number was killed in the so-called “boiling frog” craze.
“He never knew what hit him,” lamented Coroner James Temple. “Alive one minute, boiled the next.”
Lol “Leapity” Burgon, a promising long jumper and physics student at the Ravengate Amphibian Academy, was only 19 when he became the 14th victim of a craze that has decimated the frog population in the last two years.
Coroner Temple criticised the trend and called on social media platform Frogger to take down the viral videos that, he said, were fuelling the craze. He was also at pains to condemn the growing bands of vigilante frogs – mostly parents – who were seeking out and smashing up the paraphernalia of frog boiling – portable gas stoves and pans – usually found in rundown warehouses and derelict shops around Frogtown.
“Let the frog police do their work,” he told them.
With the Burgon family comforting each other in the public gallery, the inquest heard that Leapity had just finished a game of scratch basketball with his pals and said that a pan of cold water seemed the ideal way to cool off. They went off in search of a set-up because “they knew a guy”.
“We told him,” said pal Colin Dolittle, 17. “We told him the pan was gonna heat up. He was convinced he would know when to quit. He wouldn’t listen. He was, like, trippin’.”
Blowing bubbles
Even as bubbles began to stir in the water, Leapity was relaxed, according to witnesses, arms over the rim, taking it easy. Ironically, he was heard to say, “Cool, cool,” even as his skin began to blanch.
“We was shoutin and hollerin,’” says Dolittle, streetname Dolly. “But Leap wouldn’t budge. He kept saying. ‘One more minute, one more minute.’ All the time filming himself on his phone. We was like, no Leap, get outta there!’”
- Snooty Giraffes Reconcile With Own Feet
- Lucy The Honking Goose Gets Life Ban From Hide-And-Seek Championships
His final poignant words: “Lads, I got this.”
But he didn’t have it.
He was boiled alive, mercifully never knowing that he had left it too late. A story heard too often in the Frogtown district.
Coroner Hesketh, recording a verdict of death by misadventure, said, “We must educate our young frogs to use their heads and cool off in properly designated clearly signposted chill pans.”