Humour
Overweight Actor Tells Of Ordeal Wearing ‘Thin Suit’
Recalling his remarkable transformation, overweight actor Burden Brinks says his marathon make-up sessions for The Thin Man were “a huge ordeal”. “Totally worth it though,” the 68-year-old said, referencing his recent Oscar nomination. “The thin suit mechanics were...
That Broken Tile Can Hang On Another Year, Rules Hubbie
After an extensive investigation, Ravengate slacker Will Steerhunt has concluded that the loose tile in the kitchen can survive another year. “Yup,” he said, after pushing the tile lightly with a Bic biro. He reached his conclusion despite the intensive lobbying from...
Snooty Giraffes Reconcile With Own Feet
A new encounter programme at Ravengate Zoo is introducing giraffes to their feet in an effort to break down barriers and years of prejudice. “They share the same space but live in two different worlds,” said controversial head of inclusivity Jeremy Neesen. “It’s very...
Confused Shoplifter Tells Court: But I’ve Been Paying For All The Free Stuff Instead
On charges of theft, addled war hero Jeb Longacre told Ravengate Crown Court that he’d been confused his whole life, taking from shops and paying for free stuff. “Isn’t this how it works?” the befuddled 85-year-old asked the judge before sentence was handed down. The...
Dad Who Made Upbeat Promises To Son About Apocalypse ‘Probably Lying’
Burdened with regret, lonesome dad Ollie Dodson admits he was "probably lying" when made his young son a series of upbeat promises following the zombie apocalypse. Dodson, 36, who lives in the Delta Quadrant, which has been free of infection for three months, says he...
15-Minute City Movement Under Fire From 14-Minute Rivals
Supporters of the "15-minute city" movement aimed at changing the nature of Ravengate have been left stunned by a rival proposal that that would undercut their goal by a whole minute. “We believe these lazy 15-minute swindlers lack the ambition to truly to...
Lucy The Honking Goose Gets Life Ban From Hide-And-Seek Championships
Referencing at least a dozen complaints from a slew of international teams, organisers of the World Hide and Seek championships have handed down a lifetime ban to Lucy the Honking Goose. “It’s gone far enough,” said a representative of the Spanish team, one of the...
Fake Doctor With Bogus Credentials Cleared By Fictitious Medical Board
Fake doctor Fergus Middlechild has been cleared by a fictitious medical tribunal of charges that he harmed his non-existent patients. Surrounded by no crowds of cheering supporters, the 63-year-old medical professional declared he had been vindicated and that he would...
One-Man Band Splits Over Creative Differences
Citing irreconcilable creative differences, one-man band Barney Thumbchops has decided to split and go his separate ways. A familiar sight outside the Brinton Road shops in Ravengate, madcap Barney plays a range of instruments including bucket drum, kazoo, banjo,...