Humour
That Broken Tile Can Hang On Another Year, Rules Hubbie
After an extensive investigation, Aberdeen man Will Steerhunt has concluded that the loose tile in the kitchen can survive another year. “Yup,” he said, after pushing the tile lightly with a Bic biro. He reached his conclusion despite the intensive...
Snooty Giraffes Reconcile With Own Feet
A new encounter programme at London Zoo is introducing giraffes to their feet in an effort to break down barriers. “They share the same space but live in two different worlds,” said controversial head of inclusivity Jeremy Neesen. “It’s very...
Confused Shoplifter Tells Court: But I’ve Been Paying For All The Free Stuff Instead
On charges of theft, addled war hero Jeb Longacre told Westminster Court that he’d been confused his whole life, taking from shops and paying for free stuff. “Isn’t this how it works?” the befuddled 85-year-old asked the judge before sentence was...
Don’t Put Your Damp Children In Sealed Bags Of Rice, Warns Health Minister
Cash-strapped parents unable to heat their homes are placing their damp children in bags of rice on bath night, according to a shock report from the Department of Health. “It’s a common myth that the rice will draw out the moisture,” warned...
Dad Who Made Upbeat Promises To Son About Apocalypse ‘Probably Lying’
Burdened with regret lonesome dad Ollie Dodson admits he was "probably lying" when made his young son a series of upbeat promises following the zombie apocalypse. Dodson, 36, who lives in the Delta Quadrant, free of infection for three months, says...
15-Minute City Movement Under Fire From 14-Minute Rivals
Supporters of the "15-minute city" movement have been left stunned by a rival proposal that that would undercut their goal by a whole minute. “We believe these lazy 15-minute swindlers lack the ambition to truly to revolutionise city life,” said a...
Lucy The Honking Goose Gets Life Ban From Hide-And-Seek Championships
Referencing at least a dozen complaints from a slew of international teams, organisers of the World Hide and Seek championships have handed down a lifetime ban to Lucy the Honking Goose. “It’s gone far enough,” said a representative of the Spanish...
Fake Doctor With Bogus Credentials Cleared By Fictitious Medical Board
Fake doctor Fergus Middlechild has been cleared by a fictitious medical tribunal of charges that he harmed his non-existent patients. Surrounded by no crowds of cheering supporters, the 63-year-old medical professional declared he had been...
One-Man Band Splits Over Creative Differences
Citing irreconcilable creative differences, one-man band Barney Thumbchops has decided to split and go his separate ways. A familiar sight on the Palmerston Road shopping mall in Southsea, madcap Barney plays a range of instruments including bucket...
Titanic Deckchair Arranger Hits Back At Critics
Ergonomics pioneer Dr Hudson Slatt has slammed critics of his work arranging deckchairs on the Titanic, saying the task was “hugely worthwhile”. On his retirement, Dr Slatt lamented that his entire life’s work had become a byword for futility....