Fake doctor Fergus Middlechild has been cleared by a fictitious medical tribunal of charges that he harmed his non-existent patients.
Surrounded by no crowds of cheering supporters, the 63-year-old medical professional declared he had been vindicated and that he would resume to his practice as soon as possible “to cure the sham ailments of my invented clients”.
The General Medical Board, which doesn’t exist, found that the Dewsbury loner had never once caused material harm in his 30-year pseudo career. Quite the opposite. He had brought about “miraculous cures” to dozens of simulated patients, ridding many of them of phantom limbs and dummy tumours.
“In the end, the ailments just weren’t there,” concluded the made-up panel.
“Dr” Middlechild had faced 13 charges of fraudulent misrepresentation, but the tribunal ruled that the medic had always been upfront with his phoney patients, informing them in advance that they did not exist and therefore he could do them no harm.