Humour
Really Unfortunate Teenager Thanks His Lucky Stars For No Obvious Reason
Relentlessly upbeat teenager Kyle Vaster-Tail says he thanks his lucky stars every day despite a series of misfortunes that have dogged his short life. In his latest setback, Kyle has gone blind after staring at the sun for too long. “I was told...
Maths genius ‘finds new prime number’ between 3 and 11
Maths wonderkid Gary Fosdyke has shaken the normally sedate world of mathematics with his discovery of a new prime number "somewhere between 3 and 11". The maverick numbers guru has been searching for the elusive prime for five years. He left...
Rolling Stones Will Gather Moss, Thanks To Public Transport Campaigners
Under pressure from public transport campaigners, rolling stones will in future gather moss – but only at designated pick-up points in London. The change of heart comes after new figures released by Transport for London showed the innovative mass...
Bank Specialising In Bad Debt And High Risk Surprises Market By Collapsing
Market watchers have expressed astonishment that the International Bank of Bad Debt and High Risk collapsed on Friday, with billions wiped from its asset sheet. “No-one saw this coming,” said Jez Foresight, editor of the Financial Foresight...
Overweight Actor Tells Of Ordeal Wearing ‘Thin Suit’
Recalling his remarkable transformation, overweight actor Burden Brinks says his marathon make-up sessions for The Thin Man were “a huge ordeal”. “Totally worth it though,” the 68-year-old said, referencing his recent Oscar nomination. “The thin...
That Broken Tile Can Hang On Another Year, Rules Hubbie
After an extensive investigation, Aberdeen man Will Steerhunt has concluded that the loose tile in the kitchen can survive another year. “Yup,” he said, after pushing the tile lightly with a Bic biro. He reached his conclusion despite the intensive...
Snooty Giraffes Reconcile With Own Feet
A new encounter programme at London Zoo is introducing giraffes to their feet in an effort to break down barriers. “They share the same space but live in two different worlds,” said controversial head of inclusivity Jeremy Neesen. “It’s very...
Confused Shoplifter Tells Court: But I’ve Been Paying For All The Free Stuff Instead
On charges of theft, addled war hero Jeb Longacre told Westminster Court that he’d been confused his whole life, taking from shops and paying for free stuff. “Isn’t this how it works?” the befuddled 85-year-old asked the judge before sentence was...
Don’t Put Your Damp Children In Sealed Bags Of Rice, Warns Health Minister
Cash-strapped parents unable to heat their homes are placing their damp children in bags of rice on bath night, according to a shock report from the Department of Health. “It’s a common myth that the rice will draw out the moisture,” warned...
Dad Who Made Upbeat Promises To Son About Apocalypse ‘Probably Lying’
Burdened with regret lonesome dad Ollie Dodson admits he was "probably lying" when made his young son a series of upbeat promises following the zombie apocalypse. Dodson, 36, who lives in the Delta Quadrant, free of infection for three months, says...