Relentlessly upbeat teenager Kyle Vaster-Tail says he thanks his lucky stars every day despite a series of misfortunes that have dogged his short life.

In his latest setback, Kyle has gone blind after staring at the sun for too long. “I was told that it would cure my weeping impetigo,” said the buoyant 17-year-old, wrapped in his favourite Toy Story themed pus blanket.

A decade ago, Kyle lost a leg in a bizarre seagull accident at a landfill site. A month later, a horse ate his other leg after he was knocked unconscious by a glancing blow from a plummeting hot air balloon.

The balloon accident cost seven lives, including those of his parents and two sisters who were celebrating his grandparents’ golden wedding.

“I wasn’t even invited to the celebration because I was contagious,” laughed Kyle. “Phew!”

Cruellest cut

Despite missing out on an education because he took a wrong turn at a crossroads in 2011, Kyle hopes to become a surgeon, once he has recovered feeling in his fingertips, which he keeps in a jar by his bed.

“Everything’s great,” declared the prematurely balding teen. “I mean, how lucky am I.”

As he was speaking to The Biscuit through the walls of his plastic bubble enclosure, a delighted Kyle took delivery of an emotional support weasel.

Removing the rabid mammal’s teeth which were deeply embedded in his atrophied arm nub, the beaming daknophobe said, “This is the best thing that has ever happened to me.”

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