Humour
Confused Shoplifter Tells Court: But I’ve Been Paying For All The Free Stuff Instead
On charges of theft, addled war hero Jeb Longacre told Ravengate Crown Court that he’d been confused his whole life, taking from shops and paying for free stuff. “Isn’t this how it works?” the befuddled 85-year-old asked the judge before sentence was handed down. The...
Dad Who Made Upbeat Promises To Son About Apocalypse ‘Probably Lying’
Burdened with regret, lonesome dad Ollie Dodson admits he was "probably lying" when made his young son a series of upbeat promises following the zombie apocalypse. Dodson, 36, who lives in the Delta Quadrant, which has been free of infection for three months, says he...
15-Minute City Movement Under Fire From 14-Minute Rivals
Supporters of the "15-minute city" movement aimed at changing the nature of Ravengate have been left stunned by a rival proposal that that would undercut their goal by a whole minute. “We believe these lazy 15-minute swindlers lack the ambition to truly to...
Lucy The Honking Goose Gets Life Ban From Hide-And-Seek Championships
Referencing at least a dozen complaints from a slew of international teams, organisers of the World Hide and Seek championships have handed down a lifetime ban to Lucy the Honking Goose. “It’s gone far enough,” said a representative of the Spanish team, one of the...
Fake Doctor With Bogus Credentials Cleared By Fictitious Medical Board
Fake doctor Fergus Middlechild has been cleared by a fictitious medical tribunal of charges that he harmed his non-existent patients. Surrounded by no crowds of cheering supporters, the 63-year-old medical professional declared he had been vindicated and that he would...
One-Man Band Splits Over Creative Differences
Citing irreconcilable creative differences, one-man band Barney Thumbchops has decided to split and go his separate ways. A familiar sight outside the Brinton Road shops in Ravengate, madcap Barney plays a range of instruments including bucket drum, kazoo, banjo,...
Titanic Deckchair Arranger Hits Back At Critics
Ergonomics pioneer Dr Hudson Slatt has slammed critics of his work arranging deckchairs on the Titanic, saying the task was “hugely worthwhile”. On his retirement, Dr Slatt lamented that his entire life’s work had become a byword for futility. After the disaster,...
Nuclear Nations Rush To Give Australia Useful Advice Over Lost Radioactive Material
With the clock ticking, the world has rushed to aid Australia, after the country’s top military scientists admitted they were struggling to locate a radioactive material they lost on a road trip in January. US President Donald Trump said he was always losing stuff, so...
High Flying Oxbow Lake Tired Of Snubs From Jealous Friends
An oxbow lake has expressed his frustration with friends who have ignored him since he became famous. The lake, hailed by scientists as "a natural geological phenomenon," has declared he’s "sick and tired" of the constant snide remarks. "It’s depressing," said the...